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People kept asking me many times that why I chose you. That why I’m so into you this much and don’t even bother to see another real men.

But for me you’re real. You’re too real and too transparent for me to see myself clearly through your figure. I found fragmented pieces of mine whenever I look at you.

You’re so gorgeous, of course, and I’m dazzled by your light. You’re too precious to be placed next to me under any circumstances. I apologize in advance, just because I need at least an understanding. A consolation.

 

We are all in the same age. We, somehow I did not even know but I believed that, shared same thought, same feelings and personalities. So at the first time I saw you, I felt it. The similarity between our soul and the way we behave. The way we see and sense this world.

I wonder how many difficulties you had to go through to stand right at this spot. If you ever want to give everything up or feel frustration. It must be so hard for you, everyday, because of the pressure and the worth that be called ‘celebrity’, and I know about your struggle which you have never stopped fighting. I feel it in myself.

 

May I tell you about my struggle? I think it’s as bad as yours, the truth is that it’s getting worse, day after day and I didn’t even remember since when things began to go off the rails.

I have never regretted about my decision, to take Korean Studies at university, but I guess this just about to happen, no matter what major I have chosen at the first place. I became too emotional, too sensitive and vulnerable, anything but strong. Too autistic.

 

I don’t talk much. Although I used to be very active and out-going personality when in high-school, things just changed. I don’t feel like open, unable to adapt to the noises outside my head, and I yearn for loneliness, mentally begging people just let me alone in my own world for good.

I am absolutely not comfortable being forced to have meal with strangers, which unluckily I have to do it frequently since I took this job. I do not doubt that people try to act friendly, and they don’t have any bad intention. I just don’t want to take it. Maybe it sounds odd, but I wish people let me alone with my depression.

It’s really hard, a bit too much, but I couldn’t fight it. It’s hard whenever I have to fake smiles, it’s hard when I have to pretend to be an active person which I’m not. It gives me headache when I have to notice the expression of everyone and change my action to meet their satisfaction. You know it Mark, that’s all about the obsession called “nunchi” of Korean people is a weird thing. It’s not like I don’t have my own tact or empathy, but I just want to use it on my favorite person, my close ones.

 

I feel consolation by your quietness. Mark, maybe you’re better than me, maybe you’re strong enough to live your way without letting this harsh world a chance to beat you up. I always feel grateful because of your presence, you have no idea what you have done for me.

 

You lighten up my everyday, and you make me feel more comforted though I’m in anxiousness, I just feel it a better way.

I love a day with depression and I love to spend that day with you.

 

Once again, thank you Mark!

 

From –G. in her dark corner.

 

 

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