[Personal post, bad mood]
How are you doing? I’m sorry I just bother you by another letter, but only Marktopia could save me from this distress, you always do.
I’m happy to see you a lot these days.
You’re always like that, my own gift of healing, you gave me consolation every time you smile and talk, sing and laugh, every tiny thing you do make me feel better.
It felt worse sometimes, but that was okay. Even when you torture me by that smile, that gaze, that voice, or even by the scent I’m always imagining, I’m still blessed to know you, Mark.
Because I have nothing left in this life.
I have something in the past, but it faded away a long time ago I couldn’t remember what it was. Thing kept me and connected me to the outside world, thing made me feel alive, stronger and determined. I think I lost it. When she left, the aim of my life left too.
Like people usually describes this condition, I’m not alive I’m just breathing.
I wish I could feel something more than pain, like I crave for falling in love, being loved and being happy. But no, all these years I’ve just tried to survive from this depression, every single day, because after those years I still have to struggle the night to sleep. Things come and go, but only the loss remains.
Autumn turned to winter, it’s November now, the season she loved. But for me it just hurts, even more after last November, and probably less than the next one.
I wonder whenever you dream, about Utopia where people finally could feel love, and because you are an angel in that perfect world, have you ever seen by chance my baby, she’s definitely an angel by now. If yes, please help her. She must be lost just like me.
Because God separated us, it was so sudden I didn’t even have time to mourn. But every time I dream her up, I still feel the sister bond between us no one could break.
So that is it, another November comes, no one ever knows why I have to suffer this much. But I don’t really need their care, they can’t understand anyway.
I just pray she will appear in my dream, hope she will let me know how to survive this cold and harsh winter.
I wish you and the kids have a wonderful time when finally the first snow has come by.
From –G. with her shattered soul