[ personal post | unhealthy to read | contain too much negative thoughts ]
I’m sorry in advance I bother you again by another letter. I shouldn’t do this but you know in my letter you are not just a name to fill in blank behind the word ‘to’, you mean so much more than just a person, an idol or an image. You, are, beautiful inspiration of mine and thinking about you make me feel so light-hearted, so carefree, I can mumble whole day and list thousand things I like and love and admire about you as if they are never enough. You helped me a lot, really. So just, one more letter and I would be fine. I promise.
I’ve already kept promising to myself hundreds of time though.
Right now I feel so hard to breathe and things almost go wrong again, I just don’t know why or what happened, I just don’t know the reason(+s if they are more than one), or any solutions, or ways, I don’t know. I feel so irresponsible to myself, to my parents but I am kinda helpless. I feel so strange, the way too much it separates me from social, from daily life, and I couldn’t care less.
It’s all about the unexplainable accidents happened to me all this time, like the only sentence appearing the most in my brain recently is ‘I don’t know’, and after that is ‘I don’t care’. I don’t know why I’m feeling down, I don’t know why I’m hating people, why I must to live and talk with people because obviously that is not an easy thing for me to do. I couldn’t get along with them, I couldn’t get the way they’re thinking, I couldn’t even understand what are they talking about. Okay maybe I express my emotion the way too extreme, but I really mean it someway. I feel disappointed about people, I can’t trust anyone anymore, I feel like I couldn’t rely on anyone.
So, that’s literally the reason why I just wanna be alone. It means I just want to live-by-myself and not to be bothered, annoyed, disturbed, by any kind of human. Is it ridiculous? Yes, I’m weird I no longer negate that. I started staying at home every weekend, just don’t feel like going out, and at first it seemed ok, I could avoid people, annoying places and boring conversations. But day by day I feel less alive, I feel less interested in anything and I realize.. I’m dying in my own house. Home is safe, but no longer peaceful. Do you know that feeling? That you are slowly dying, your soul is withering, fading and perishing to the point you could do nothing to struggling but accepting? I just, don’t know what to do with life anymore.
I’m thinking of moving out but clearly it’s not even a choice for me.. I’m the one who wants everything better the most, I’m sure I want to live better. And suicide is not even a choice either. I don’t hate life I just hate the helpless situation I’m stuck in. I feel truly weak, lost and distressed. I don’t have good sleeps, every morning I wake up feel like I didn’t sleep at all. I hate looking at me in the mirror because I feel too disappointed about myself and gradually I started feeling hatred all over my body. I became more grumpy, irritable and easy to get bad-tempered. After all I always feel so sorry because I made things worse and my parents don’t deserve this, they don’t have to suffer with me, they don’t have to endure my problems. So that I’m faking that I’m still fine, everything is just fine, I’m doing well and I even encourage myself for that to happen.
But none of that is true. Sometime I wish I could think less, or have a simple mind, with simple life standard which easy to fulfill. I was just a normal person having dreams, with normal life and normal happiness, I just don’t know where it turned wrong. I literally, don’t know where to begin or to fix this, I don’t even know what to do to feel better. It’s like a trauma I would never ever be able to get off.
Don’t worry I’m just mumbling again. I’m sorry for writing and posting this. I’m so sorry.