[ personal post | unhealthy to read | contain too much negative thoughts ]
Hey pure happiness,
Hey ‘no-jam’ person,
Hey Mark Potter,
It has been a year since I last saw you and just wanna say that I miss you so, so, so much as if I can give up everything just to run to you right now ㅠㅠ
No we both know that I could handle things better than this, so I’ll keep going, we will meet each other again someday, I promise you that.
So please stay healthy and keep doing great, though life would turn upside down sometimes and we must do things that we hate, I still have faith in you. It’s just simple as that, I think I can’t get over Mark Tuan even so many years have passed and no one could ever replace you. So.. that’s it, I’m totally Mark’s trash at least until the end of the next year lol
And yeah you know, I’ll always support you, no matter what happens and no matter where life takes us, you and the other boys will always have a place in my heart.
We are almost 24 and next year let’s do something fun, something we love and something keeps us stay positive, regretless and determined.
Remember to call home, not texting them, they must have missed your English accent. Because me either!
Love you, Tuan.
And tell baby Ji-nyeongie I miss him too.
Best wishes for you guys,
A Christmas card to Mark Tuan, from –G. with lots of love.
My favorite shade of blue
My serenity, let’s listen this song together, and here I would tell you a story.
Let me introduce to you, a blue bird, and her dreams of all time.
You may ask who she is, all I can tell you is that she’s really a mystery.
She loves purple and blue shades, lilac and baby blue,
Especially a tone of purity and softness called first dawn, she really loves it.
But it turns out that she never gets out of her own blue,
And it sounds confusing but this time I don’t mean blue is a shade of color.
(Raw source: coolpix5150)
Markeu ya, It’s me again, your walking annoyance.
Hi my sunshine, how are you today?
I saw a picture of you with black tank top the other day and I couldn’t tell if I like it or not but, you made me felt so familiar. You just looked like a random boy in my neighborhood, okay maybe a little bit hotter, cuter and lovelier, I don’t know how to describe that feeling, anyway you get my point.
I love your face which does not have any make up on, though I supposed that you have applied sun cream at least lol. You have no idea how much I love your stubble. It sounds so perverted I know, but I have to admit it anyway…
I love whenever you look so real, though you’re still my daydream that I never want to be waked.
It turns out that I would write you a letter whenever I don’t feel easy about life.
Mark Tuan, I feel so lost, every time I try to figure out who I am, what do I suppose to do with myself or how I should feel about things that happened.
I realized that I felt insecure all that time until now but I doubt have I ever tried to get rid of it. Maybe I used to that feeling too much to dare for change.
I don’t know if I have any mental problems or I even need to be fixed.
And if there are, who would be willing to do it? Who could sacrifice themselves to be with someone like me?
I usually wonder if I have right to be loved. Do I even deserve to be loved?
Please don’t get me wrong, I do love myself, I know my self-worth.
I just hate the fact that sometimes I show my negative emotions so openly.
I just hate the way my character becomes more and more autistic day by day.
I hate my insecurity and my unnecessary arrogance.
All of those just made my life became more difficult.
I want to be comforted. I need to be cherished by someone, to regain my confidence.
To know that at least there is someone who appreciate my presence and recognize my worth.
Of course I have dreams, every girls have.
I dream about one day I would finally meet my lover.
The one who is always willing to find me, shower me with kisses and love, fix me with his patience, show me how much affection he would prefer to give me no matter how insecure I feel.
The one who’s just for me.
I dreamt him up. I have dreamt about being spooned and calmed by him whenever anxiousness ate me inside out, and he would wipe away every drop of tears on my cheeks just by his warm, soft lips.
He would try everything he can even wasting his time just to ease my pains.
He would whisper into my ear from time to time to let me know that after all things would be okay, that I don’t need to worry anymore because he will always be there, forever.
But it’s always just a sweet dream, isn’t it? Too sweet and too good to be true…
Again, the more I yearn for something, the more I couldn’t reach it.
Letter from -G., a daydreamer.
Hey Mark Tuan, I’m sick.
Headache, sore throat, aches all over my body.
I got wet 4 or 5 times when I rode my motorbike few days ago, I didn’t remember.
Just knew that I was too lazy to put the raincoat on and after 5 minutes endured it, it came harder and I got caught in torrential downpour. Yea my bad, I know.
/consider before reading/ /consider before reading/ /consider before reading/
I just found these miscellaneous sentences in my notebook, and I felt like I was ready to tell you about another story of mine. So here it is, my next letter to you, Mark.
It was the most difficult time of my life, I have never gone through such terrible feelings before. It was the roughest, the darkest and the loneliest. Until now I still joke that it was the most horrible time which I would never ever dare to forget. Though by now my life still can not be called vitality, it’s still better than that time.
I hardly remember I was living, I just survived. The next day was exactly the same as the day before, nothing changed but I was also too afraid to change.
People kept asking me many times that why I chose you. That why I’m so into you this much and don’t even bother to see another real men.
But for me you’re real. You’re too real and too transparent for me to see myself clearly through your figure. I found fragmented pieces of mine whenever I look at you.
You’re so gorgeous, of course, and I’m dazzled by your light. You’re too precious to be placed next to me under any circumstances. I apologize in advance, just because I need at least an understanding. A consolation.
We are all in the same age. We, somehow I did not even know but I believed that, shared same thought, same feelings and personalities. So at the first time I saw you, I felt it. The similarity between our soul and the way we behave. The way we see and sense this world.
I wonder how many difficulties you had to go through to stand right at this spot. If you ever want to give everything up or feel frustration. It must be so hard for you, everyday, because of the pressure and the worth that be called ‘celebrity’, and I know about your struggle which you have never stopped fighting. I feel it in myself.
May I tell you about my struggle? I think it’s as bad as yours, the truth is that it’s getting worse, day after day and I didn’t even remember since when things began to go off the rails.
I have never regretted about my decision, to take Korean Studies at university, but I guess this just about to happen, no matter what major I have chosen at the first place. I became too emotional, too sensitive and vulnerable, anything but strong. Too autistic.
(may be you don’t want to read it, it’s personal post of mine and it’s not as bright as the title, so you have been warned. sorry for this.)
I think I’m a lucky person because I already met too many angels in life.
You may not know that I have an angel of my own. She shined as the sun at dawn. She was gorgeous as you are now, Mark.
Hey, let me tell you a fun fact, she was about Joey’s age, may be a couple of months older. How lovely that I have a sister and you have a brother and we are the same age as well, right? I just thought it’s cute.
She was a little too much adorable if you asked me. That natural curled hair fit her round face too well and she looked like a little twinkled twinkled star every time she smiled.
She was a truly talented child.
She could do ballet, folk dance and also contemporary dance since she was just 10.
She could play piano too, just simple pieces but, she practiced them on her own.
She just bloomed so perfectly. I realized that I adore her so much more whenever I talk about her.
She is my pride, always.
I miss her when she was a little clingy.
I wonder if she would love you too.
But why she had to leave, Mark? Why a peaceful and graceful child as her had to leave so soon?
She left and I’m so broken. It couldn’t be fixed.
It hurts because I have to use past tense to talk about my little cherished sister. It’s so hard for me even 4 years had passed.
May be I didn’t deserve her. May be she will go to a better place where everything is beautiful and peaceful as herself.
I always love her with all my heart. I wish she could know that truth.
I’m sorry for this but I didn’t tell anyone about my feeling this much,
and I just thought that you need to know one of the reasons why I became an angsty person so…
I’m sorry for bothering you though.
From –G. with so much emptiness.
It hurts, whenever I see your head’s down and your shoulders are curved forward,
because you don’t want your face to be taken by cameras.
It hurts, when seeing you and the boys suffered from these bullshit scandals and I couldn’t do anything to help.
Except sitting here,
and murmuring to myself that in the end everything will be okay.
You know what, shiet things just happen to anyone of us.
We don’t wish for it, I don’t and you either.
No one deserves to feel pain.
It just hurts a bit more day after day since I’ve realized that my our angels who bring us joy and bliss also have to endure suffering too.
Despite the sentence that how strong you are and will be, just tell me if there’s anything I could do to ease your pain.
Because it’s you and the boys who eased my pain already and I don’t know what to do to return the favor but keep saying the promise – ‘I won’t leave you, I will always be here’.
Sometimes I just wish for our 7 boys not being human.
Why you guys couldn’t be angels and just need to smile as sunshine?
Angels who everyday go outside to sprinkle pixie dust to brighten the world.
And willing to console broken soul like me.
I need you so don’t be defeated by those cruel words, keep smiling and everything shall pass.
From -G. with so many comforts.